I can hear the flurry of scorn and insults thrown at me, ” YOU VALUE POP CULTURE AND YET YOU HAVE NEVER WATCHED STAR WARS” .
Unfortunately being born in 1998 means I missed the whole buzz and my parents never really brought on the franchise, so it slipped out of my narrow grasp. Sure, I know the most famous spoilers that shook the very beings of its time, but really I had no deep burning desire to delve further into this universe. That is until 2015 happened and a new movie would be released to mass critical praise and audience appeal. Was I going to let myself sit on the sidelines as it dominated all areas of pop culture? No, I simply could not. So , today after multiple days of procrastination , I finally watched the first movie and these are what my internal monologue consisted of throughout the film.
- in a galaxy far far away — cool , cool iconic stuff
- why is the information slanted how am I supposed to read this ?
- the effects are surprisingly good for its time
- storm troopers look like the peacekeepers from The Hunger Games (so technically peacekeepers are the rip-offs)
- WHY DOES DARTH VADER BREATH SO HEAVILY
- Princess Leia was rocking those buns way before Miley , they remind me of cinnabon , so I am going to call them cinnabuns
- I see so much of myself in C-3PO , the skeptic nature and anxiety
- “we seem to be made to suffer. It’s out lot in life” — preach C-3PO , preach
- okay the things that kidnapped R2-D2 look like pre-schoolers in robes and sound a lot like the minions — like scarily alike
- I ship the bromance between R2 and C-3PO
- so people and aliens ride tame dinosaurs here? cool
- is that an igloo on a barren planet ?
- LUKE !! — POP CULTURE TINGLES GO INTO A FRENZY
- so the droids are sold into slavery ? this seems like droid trafficking to me.
- also , Luke stop finding your sister pretty (yes , another great spoiler)
- WHO IS THIS OBI-WAN KENOBI?
- all this talk about Luke’s dad and I want to yell “LUKE , I AM YOUR FATHER” . The greatest spoiler known to man
- Luke stares into the sunset with that whole hero mindset vibe
- okay so this old guy that saves Luke is obviously Obi
- how right was I
- LIGHTSABERS ARE SO FREAKING COOL
- Talking about how dead Luke’s father is and I can’t help but snicker
- Is the empire a metaphor for something ? corporations , commercialism , government corruption?
- the guy next to Vader has now been nicknamed general cheekbones
- OH POOR LUKE ,I SEE SKELETONS
- ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ — again I have heard this before , nice to finally place it into context
- the force feels like when a vampire compels someone
- the whole bar scene feels like someone smoked marijuana and is currently hallucinating
- jazz aliens — retro
- INDIANA JON- I MEAN-HARRIS- HAN SOLO , I MEAN HAN SOLO
- did he just kill something and no one around cares? Casual
- is jabba like an intergalactic mob boss? He looks like an overgrown slug
- Han just called Jabba a wonderful “human being” , I went back to check if I heard correctly , I did , wtf?
- laser beams ,drama , luke being whiny
- poof , there goes a whole planet I had no attachment to
- chewy and R2 are playing space chess ? This reminds me of wizard chess
- Is believing in the force like believing in a God?
- OKAY SO SHIZ JUST WENT DOWN AND THEY ARE GOING TOWARDS VADER AND GENERAL CHEEKBONES
- wow stromtroopers did such a thorough search (sarcasm)
- Okay so Obi is going off to do Obi type things
- Luke is getting all heroic and Leia is his damsel in distress apparently
- Han gives no shits whatsoever , did I mention I really like Han
- YASS CHEWY SLAY DEM TROOPERS SLAY
- Hans answering under crisis is my favourite thing ‘ oh we’re fine so fine , how are you ‘ ‘we’re sending a troop up’ ‘oh no wait we have a gas leak’
- Darth and Obi face off to come
- GO LEIA SLAY GURL SLAY — BE YOUR OWN HERO ,YOU DON’T NEED NO MAN
- I ship Hans and Leia — cue internet yelling at me for focusing on ships and not the character’s role in the epic story , just leave me and my hopeless romantic shipper heart alone.
- so they’re in some type of sewer trash type place and ANACONDA IS THAT YOU?
- LUKE , WHERE YOU AT BOY?
- C-3PO is my spirit animal
- ” big walking carpet”- 1000 crying laughter face emojis
- obi walks around with no disguise and no one questions him or notices? Normal , very normal.
- laser beam here , laser beam there , laser beam everywhere.
- some boderline incestual contact there with the siblings
- okay confrontation , lightsabers at the ready
- * 2 minutes later* — still fighting no actual winner
- WHERE YOU AT OBI?
- side note : Leia was in a trash shoot why is her dress so pristine and white still? Does space have non-stain fabric because I could use that
- ALL A PLOY — PLOT TWIST
- Leia is a smarticle
- boring stuff …
- Obi speaks from beyond
- plane stuff .. boring .. boring..
- DARTH VADER TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
- ACTION , MORE ACTION
- HAN CAME BACK YO
- R2 YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS
- Luke being all heroic — naturally
- chewy deserves a medal of valour too
- HAPPY ENDING ???
- I’M CONFUSE
To round up , I geniunely enjoyed watching this movie and saw myself in C-3PO . I fangirled plenty over Han and Leia’s witty banter and the general whimsical and highly original nature of the tale , you can see the tremendous hard-work and love poured into this work of art. I will further venture into this franchise and be proud that I can finally understand all the jokes and references . I hope you enjoyed my terrible monologue
Author: Faatimah Essack
Editor: Han Angus
Keshav Kant, aka Mx. KantEven, is a med student tuned Executive Director of Off Colour!
You’ve probably seen her on Twitter and TikTok, both @MxKantEven, or caught her work on Off Colour's many channels.
From consulting on films & shows, manuscript review, conducting interviews, or hosting podcasts & panels, if there is some way to bring sensitivity and authenticity to diversity, inclusion and equity conversations, Keshav will be there.